I Still Have Regrets-My Birthday Reflection
I woke up this morning feeling tired, nothing out of the norm--little feet kicking me in the back and I spent most of the night on the very edge of my bed. To think, this is exactly what I wanted!
I’m grateful for the life that I have. It’s been a long road but being called “Mom” by 2 tiny humans that I proudly call my children has had the biggest impact on me.
You may have heard my story before so I’ll keep this short. After the birth of my son, almost 5 years ago, I had postpartum depression, only I had no idea that’s what I was experiencing. For a year and a half, I struggled and I was completely exhausted. I never slept.
I felt like a failure as a wife and a mom. I thought that this was my normal and this is how it felt to be a mom. I thought I was crazy for thinking that this was something that I wanted before I actually knew what being a mom meant. There were times I thought that death would set me free.
My way of coping was being obsessive with exercise and nutrition. I thought that if I looked like a “trophy wife” or looked like I had never been pregnant, that would somehow make me feel human.
I’d work out for upwards of 2 hours a day--running between sets to nurse my son. I thought this was perfectly fine and this was something “healthy people” do. I honestly felt like feeling like garbage day in and day out is what it was supposed to be like for me.
I still carry a lot of guilt for putting my son second to my obsession. He was little and I he needed more from me. But my head was in my body and the harder I worked, the easier it was to justify.
I got to a point where I couldn’t live with the pressure I was putting myself under and I got help. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I went on medication to help me get some sleep and the way I started to feel about myself started to shift.
I see now, the pressure I put myself under and learned that there were things that I needed to let go of. I had to rid myself of the toxic and gave up my gym membership after realizing that they really didn’t care about me. The very place that I called my second home.
When I started Mom’s Fitness Boutique, I had all of this in mind. I wanted to be a different kind of fitness professional. I wanted to be a positive support-providing moms and moms to be with emotional and mental health coaching if you will.
I felt the pressure in society to look a certain kind of way post-pregnancy and I didn’t understand what was going on within. I didn’t know that my brain chemistry literally changed after becoming a mom and I knew that I could educate women better than I had been--which I really wasn’t.
Forcing my body back into shape before I was ready was disastrous emotionally. I wasn’t ready for that kind of stress. I know that I’m not the only one feeling this way but because we see these images all over the media, we feel like failures if we don’t.
My second pregnancy and early postpartum period was so much different. I gave myself the time to heal and I’m still nowhere near where I was before pregnancy. I am so ok with that. Being in an emotionally and mentally healthy place means more than looking like a fitness model.
As women, we don’t give ourselves time to heal and after the birth of our babies, we need that recovery period more than ever. Our physiology is different, we’re experiencing more stress than we ever have adapting to motherhood, and we need to give ourselves a freaking break.
Slow and steady wins this race!
Love your baby body no matter what,
Terrell
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